My Philosophy

I'm a couples therapist who helps couples get through an infidelity crisis. I help them either repair trust and rebuild their relationship better, or cut their losses and move on.

My take is that the reason they are struggling is they don't know what steps to take to repair the enormous injury to trust. Instead of fixing things they shut down, become defensive, and make things worse. Without a roadmap of what roles they need to play to get through this crisis, the high intensity of emotions causes partners to feel absolutely crazy and to act in ways that hurt each other more and keep them stuck.

If they shove it under the rug and don't deal directly with this trust injury, it might feel better temporarily but it's bad news for the future of the relationship. It's like a broken bone that wasn't set right, it is a constant source of ache and inflammation YEARS into the future.
It's easy to stay together after betrayal, research estimates that about 70% of couples do. What's difficult is achieving true reconciliation and emotional closeness. Many people who stay together end up in unhappy zombie marriages where further betrayals are tolerated as a fact of life.

If they do handle it well the best they can expect is that trust will be restored, and the relationship will be more authentic, honest, and intimate than it ever was before the betrayal happened.

However, I am NOT a reconciliation at any cost therapist. Tolerating bad behavior helps no one. If partners are unwilling or unable to do what it takes to repair trust, I will help you look at this directly. My wish is that you feel free to stay with your partner or leave your partner, and we can consider all of the options carefully.

What I think these couples need most to handle it is a concrete plan for restoring trust. They need to know when they are on the right track, to stay and keep trying, and when it's time to consider leaving.


Being happy together is possible after betrayal but the first stage of restoring trust and credibility is a long tough road to travel. If you do it right, the worst part takes a few months up to a year. Without restoring credibility/trust, it’s impossible to move up the pyramid because being around someone who you think is untrustworthy puts the nervous system in a state of threat, which make it impossible to think clearly, which makes it hard to understand each other and collaborate on creating a future together, which puts reconnection and intimacy out of reach. Many people struggle with taking on the necessary roles to restore trust in the early stages of the crisis, but without trust they have nothing.

Whether you work with me or not, make sure you get a knowledgeable guide who knows the terrain and has a plan. Not all couples therapists are trained in betrayal work, and bad therapy can make it worse. Make sure your therapist at least has specific training in couples work. With a little bit of guidance to keep you out of common pitfalls you can get through this.